After brief "how are you's", Dad said he had some bad news. Here was the part of the call I was waiting for. In life, you slightly prepare yourself for phone calls like this, especially while overseas. When I was in Ireland, I was told the news of my Grandfather passing and have been dreading calls like this ever since.
Since my arrival in Korea, I've had three great uncles and a great aunt pass away. I even had to find out about one of them via Facebook because no one had had a chance to call me. Who was it this time? A grandparent? One of the cats? Maybe my car got stolen? I prayed for the latter. My yuppie SUV going missing while I'm out of the country would certainly be better than what I knew deep down.
"Jamie died tonight".
These words had a haunted sound to them and threw me into an instant shock. Jamie is/was my cousin in his mid thirties. I like to think we were relatively (no pun intended) close since he has lived with us on and off for the past few years and we occasionally partied a bit together. Jamie has had his issues in life but he wasn't really sick and he certainly wasn't old.
After a few moments of silence, I learned the entire truth. For the past two weeks he had been in intensive care with a heart infection and had finally succumbed to a heart attack. To add the evil, metaphorical cherry to the top of this misery sundae, Jamie was scheduled to come home Friday morning.
It's ironic how life works. Friday was supposed to be the day I flew back to Canada, but I had extended my contract until the end of May. It was also my one year anniversary in Korea.
If you've lived overseas you know, the hardest part is not being able to be with your family when your family needs to be together. Dad and I finished our call with me having to go back to work and teach four classes and him having to go across the street to tell my grandparents the tragic news. How was I supposed to go to work when I couldn't keep myself together? How was Dad supposed to go tell his parents they had indeed outlived a grandson? They are great-great grandparents, and as much as I love them, they shouldn't be outliving any of us. What about Jamie's parents and brothers and sister in law and nephews and his son; what were they going through?
Somehow, someway life goes on. People keep going by doing the best they can. I've spent my weekend in a dazed blur, only semi registering the things I've been doing. In that time, a friend has gotten engaged, a baby has taken her first steps, people have had birthdays and have gone condo shopping and those are just from my Facebook updates.
This weekend I've been thinking about a million things, mostly about Jamie. Grief comes to a point where you have to change your topic of thought before you go insane. The books I've read this weekend had people die in them, every song that comes on my playlist is somehow telepathically programmed to remind me that I've lost someone and Grey's Anatomy wasn't on this week damnit! Even if it had been, I probably wouldn't have been able to watch it because it's a frigging hospital. So what next? Retail therapy, a haircut and a phone call to my mom.
Passing on news about death is not a fun duty and unfortunately this was not my first time. After shedding even more tears with Mom, she told me how she wished she could hug me right then. I realized that in this entire weekend there had been no hugs. At that point, I couldn't stand being alone and just wanted to curl up with anyone and watch a movie. Since it was after midnight and I was in Korea, I was clearly out of luck. While there have been no hugs this weekend, I thankfully didn't spend it alone and there's still Sunday.
Death makes you think about a lot of things but mostly how trivial or important people and/or things really are in life. Family, best friends, good friends, used-to-be friends and everyone in between. It also proves that home really is where the heart and the hugs are.
Rest in Peace Jamie.
The Lord is my pilot, I shall not go adrift;
He lighteth my passage across dark channels;
He steereth me through the deep waters,
He keepeth my log.
He guideth me by the evening star;
for my safety's sake.
Yea, though I shall mid the thunders
and tempests of life,
I shall fear no peril for Thou art with me,
The vastness of the sea upholds me.
Surely fair winds and safe harbours
shall be found
All the days of my life;
And I shall moor, fast, and secure, forever
Amen
The Fisherman's 23rd Psalm
The saddest thing for me is knowing that you were going through all of this pain alone. I wish I could have been there when you finally realised that you needed a hug, because you know that whatever time of the day or night it was, you could always call me to come over for absolutely anything! Stay strong my wonderful friend!
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