While I have met the odd person who does not enjoy a good massage, the majority of people out there can't get enough of them. I happen to be one of those people. One of my favourite things to do is relax on a weekend and get a nice, long massage. Any type of massage really... relaxing, aromatherapy, hot stone...you get the idea.
Most of you know that I can be rather critical and that my standards on certain things may be a bit high, but I've always maintained the belief that if you're paying for something, you should get your money's worth. This applies to massages.
I've had massages in numerous countries around the world and I have decided that without a doubt, Korean massages are probably the worst massages in the world (at least to date from my personal experiences). Don't get me wrong, I've had some fantastic massages in Korea, but as a style of massage, I would not recommend Korean massages.
Why not? What is a Korean massage like you ask? They are similar to a deep tissue massage but more painful than anything. More than once I've been left wondering if the massage did any good at all. Now my criticism could possibly be based on the fact that I'm a foreigner here and used to a completely different style of massage, but the way I see it is that it's not supposed to hurt and it's not supposed to leave bruises.
The bruises did actually happen with one of my first experiences with Korean massage. No matter how many times I told the woman that it hurt, in Korean, she just laughed and kept going. I figured I paid for the massage, I'll probably feel fantastic tomorrow. False. I actually felt worse because the bruises hurt.
After that experience with Korean massage, I stayed away from them and partook in imported delicacies such as the fantastic Thai massage place that opened around the corner, complete with an English speaking Thai masseuse.
My plan to avoid Korean massages worked well until this week. The pinched nerve in my neck started acting up and I needed a chiropractor stat. My coworker suggested this doctor in Bunpyeongdong who does massages and chiropractic work. Silly me thinking western standards, I got all excited to go. The massage was so painful I just about cried. He kept telling me to relax but this was not a massage! This was torture! My teeth clenched as I felt his hands nearing my neck and then his death grip locked itself on my collarbone over and over. He couldn't even get my neck to crack and told me to come back the next day. With no other relief in sight, I did.
The second day was worse. Now it was a full body massage (over jeans and clothes, thankfully they buffered some pain). Not only was it incredibly painful, it was impossible to relax due to the knowledge of the upcoming pain. At least he was able to crack my neck this time but it didn't really help in the same way my chiropractor at home works his magic. After he finally finished my back I figured it was time to go. Oh no, he just said roll over. His talon-like fingers then began prodding my sides and underarms and hitting all the pressure points on my body. Ha! I thought the day before was torture, well clearly that was just the beginning. Each time he moved his hands it turned out to be worse than what he was doing before. He then decided my chest muscles were too tight and dug his talons into the muscles just under my collar bone. When it was over I was so happy to leave, but noooo we weren't finished! Then he prodded my sides and stomach some more and literally started attempting to shift my organs! My coworker translated and said that he claims that when the spine is out of shape, the organs shift so he had to put them back.
Finally I was free to go and went home feeling terrible. My body ached as though I'd done a two hour full body workout and lifted weights the entire time that were far too heavy for me. It was so painful I couldn't sleep. Then I had to go back a third time. I had tried to tell him that he needed to be gentle but he kept insisting my muscles were abnormally too tight and I was too stressed out. How can I relax when you've beat my muscles more than a steakhouse tenderizes meat? After his talons dug into my neck and shoulders and he started my arms, I couldn't help myself. I literally burst into tears it was so painful (with the apprehension of more pain to follow).
Needless to say, I will not be returning. When I told the doctor this, he handed me a package with two hard boiled eggs. Then he apparently called my boss to tell her I left crying (I tried to stop, it wasn't THAT bad... but sometimes when you start, you just can't stop-clearly he's right about the stress). I think this will be my final experience with Korean massage for the rest of my life.
Top Massages
The electric suction cup massage machines used at real chiropractors, physiotherapists and acupuncturists
Lisa's random massages at Herald School
The Mimosa Resort on Koh Samui, Thailand
The hot stone massage at some place in Ottawa
The random spot in Myeong-dong where Shaina said "I want a massage" and we looked up and there was a sign
The Thai place around the corner from me
The one at the hotel in China; not so much for it being fantastic but for it being desperately needed
